I started smoking, after work. I'm simply recording this so I can look back and use it somehow to stop smoking completely.
I'm not really sure how I am going to do that, but assume more information will help somehow.
Keep trying to stop, I am guessing is the secret.
Finn asked Chris if he had been faithful. Chris left the crab ointment on the kitchen bench. Finn could see Chris was taken back. He was.
“Finn?...” Chris’ eyes glassed over, as if they had already decided. “I never...”
For the last year, since Angelo gave them to Chris, just occasionally Chris felt something crawling and he put the ointment on and change his sheets and everything is fine. He said, “I don’t even really feel them. It’s just a feeling I get sometimes.”
Angelo still lives up the street. He's just finishing uni. But Chris hasn't, not since he met Finn.
“I know. I just wondered,” said Finn. He was quiet after that.
Chris suppressed the urge to confess. Brain kicked in. It was one of those red stop-light moments. Don't say anything. Count to ten. Do not question. Don't pull a face.
“I have only been with you.”
“Me too,” said Finn. “I’ve only been with you.” I guess he felt he should add that, just for the record.
“The cream is psychosomatic,” said Chris. “It is all in my head.”
“What is?”
“The crawling on my skin,” said Chris.
“The crawling on your skin?”
“Yes, not another man,” said Chris.
Finn laughed nervously. “Is that why the cream is on the bench?”
“Yes, that’s why the cream is on the bench.”
This is it. There is nothing else. Only this. This is our shot, don't fuck it up. You don't get another shot. No. Never. No chance.
As it's over, everything is over, never to come again, done, finished. Minute by minute. Only what is coming, will come. The only thing you have control over is your positioning against the thing that comes.
You can choose what you get, to an extent, by a positive outlook. And the best way to do this is to be happy. Content. In a random world. Chose life. Chose happiness and everything else will take care of itself.
Be happy. Make a life of it, as there is no going back, there is no revision, there is no practice run.
This is it!
It is happening now.
It’s draining out of you now, draining away. Your life, even if you don’t notice, it is happening. Minute by minute, second by second, you are closer to the end, even if you don’t feel it.
“Do you think I look older?”
“Older than when?”
“Than five minutes ago?”
“Oh, darling.”
“This morning?”
“Do you really want to know?”
“Than I did last year?”
“Well, if we are talking about last year?”
“Our photos from our trip to Amsterdam?”
“Five years ago?”
“Is it five years ago?”
“The last trip?”
“When you stood in the moonlight in that lime green cagoule?”
“You were smoking those long joints.”
“Do I look older now?”
“That was five years ago?
“My how the time disappears.”
“You are lovelier now…”
“That wasn’t the question?”
“What was the question?”
“Do I look older?”
“You are as beautiful now…”
“Than when we drove that Fiat around southern Europe?”
“Twenty years ago?”
“Than when Oliver was born?”
“He’s twenty one years old?”
“He got your good looks.”
“He looks so much like you that if we put a dress on him…”
“Do I look older now, than then?”
“When you were red faced and screaming as he slid out of you?”
“To think that big boy came out of me.”
“It is the only time I have ever believed in miracles.”
“Do I look older than that night on the dance floor?”
“When we met?”
“What was the song that was playing?”
“You sexy thing.”
“You sexy thing?”
“Ah yes, I remember it like yesterday.”
“Do I look older than that night?”
“You had a mass of blonde curls.”
“You had long dark hair.”
“You were lovelier than the sun and the moon and all the flowers in between.”
“We danced together until dawn.”
“I loved you from the very moment we were introduced.”
“I think I loved you from that moment too.”
“That was thirty years ago.”
“Do I look older now than then?”
“No.”
